Refusing to participate in workplace Secret Santa is like spitting in the face of a Barnados representative or slamming your front door on the LoveFilm salesman’s fingers. It’s tight, is what it is; it’s just not done. Begrudgingly entering into the spirit of the thing or otherwise, you have to take part or you’re going to end up swiftly ostracised, eating your lunch in the car park and uninvited from the Christmas work do before you can say “lukewarm Echo Falls rosé”.
There’s no room on the photocopier for party poopers, so suck it up and let’s get quirky… Who knows? You might even like it.
£5.00 and under
Take The Biscuit Trivia Game // iwantoneofthose.com // £3.99
Trading Cards! Useless Trivia! Biscuits! This has all the hallmarks of a classic. Not since the glory days of Pokemon have we seen such a unique and fully-realised way of wasting your time. Sadly inedible, albeit oddly satisfying, this is a cheeky way of staying under budget – which saves you enough to buy half a latte!
Desktop Football Game // M&S // £5.00
Who needs a table football table to spectacularly ragequit in front of your colleagues? The challenge here shouldn’t be scoring a goal against your opponent, rather keeping track of that miniature ball. Ideal for any working environment with flat surfaces. Kitchen showrooms, call centres, anywhere except nurseries (choking hazards)
£5.00 – £10.00
Dead Fred Pen Holder // iwantoneofthose.com // £7.99
An unnerving addition to an already cluttered workspace. Show everyone how dark you are with this prostrate cousin of Morph the plasticine guy off CBBC. What ever happened to him? Anyway, for effective stress relief sheathe your biro in Fred’s chest and imagine your impaling your least favourite peer with a giant BIC. It’s the one that chews too loudly, isn’t it?
F**cking Strong Coffee // Firebox // £9.99
Infused with aromas of “It’s too f**king early for your face” and “passive-aggressive post-it note”, this is for the coffee lovers you know better than to engage with before 10am. This isn’t any old sludge, either. Our SEO Specialist, Will, swears by it’s marginally life-improving qualities and I’ve been told the taste is 2-thumbs-up good.
£10.00 – £15.00
On The Rocks Ice Mould // The Hut // £13.99
A must for the single man. A solitary ball of ice for your 3 fingers of bourbon. One mould per customer – this, essentially, is a product that wants to keep you alone, drunk dialling your exes in your dressing gown. The rocks glass is included.
IsoToner Smartouch Gloves // Firebox // £14.99
Solving one of the most frustrating first world problems of our time, we have the smart gloves. They’re smart in as much as you can Whatsapp (maybe) coherent (not really) messages without exposing your hands to the chill air. They’re not going to give Siri a run for its money but they can help you activate him/her.
£15.00 – £20.00
Clap-On Alarm Clock // iwantoneofthose.com // £19.99
What’s the appropriate gift for the guy facing a disciplinary for lateness? Set this for 6:00am and every dawn will be met with applause. In reality, it’ll probably get dashed at the wall in a semi-conscious stupor when the recipient can’t find the manual ‘off’ switch. Still, pretty neat-o object.
Happy Socks Gift Set // John Lewis // £20.00
This for the accountant you’ve nicknamed Christian Grey. Not because of his tendencies toward S&M, rather his penchant for all 50 Shades of Grey in his work attire. What better way to tell someone to lighten up than with a gift set of Happy Socks? These guys are the gold standard for outrageously vibrant socks and would be a bolster to any top drawer.